This kind of stuff just makes me laugh out loud...

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
• A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
• Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
• Evening Massage - 6 p.m.
• Ushers will eat latecomers.
• The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which, as usual, fell upon her.
• On a church bulletin during the pastor's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Pastor Hargreaves is better.
• Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...
• Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
• Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
• This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
• We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning duringthe worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
• The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the final secretary gave a grief report.
• Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.