These have been quiet days...

when was the last time I wanted to sing...

I keep hearing those lyrics from Heart's "Love Me Like Music".

Though the rest of the song doesn't necessarily fit what I'm feeling, those beginning lines sure do. It is quiet around here. Yes, the other dogs are barking and running, as usual (I still wonder -- what do they understand? Anything? Nothing?) but there's one less voice and four less feet. I keep expecting to look up and see Butler's sweet face smiling at me.

There are moments when I think it's all been a bad dream but, then, reality hits and I know it's not. He was here and now he's gone. I don't know if there are dogs in heaven but, if they aren't, I'm not at all sure I want to go -- because any place without dogs is not my idea of heaven.

I know that we made the right choice but I'm having a hard time with the fact that it happened at all. I know things will get better. I know it. I've been here before, though never quite like this. I went out Christmas shopping today -- not because I want to but because I have to -- but the piped-in Christmas music just about did me in. I ended up in the bookstore because it's the one place that seems to always make me feel better. I also got my hair cut -- I'd had the appointment already -- and that was pleasant. My stylist is also a friend and in my Sunday School class -- and just lost a dog herself two weeks ago.

I've managed not to cry today. That doesn't mean I won't. There are still plenty of hours left. Yesterday was a bad day. I don't know why -- maybe it was because everybody else went to work or school and I was here alone (well, with no humans) for the first time. It's very hard to do all of my routine stuff -- without one of my routines walking along beside me.

I've never been Christmas-y person. Oh, the real meaning of Christmas, I'm all for -- but all the shopping and decorating have never done a thing for me. This year, it's even worse and I'm living for the day after Christmas. No, everything isn't going to be better just because of what day it is but I'm hoping that the next few weeks will bring a measure of peace and closure.

I am blessed that I had Butler in my life as long as I did. He was meant to be here, just as, I suppose, he was meant to go. Will there be another pup in my life? Of course there will. I'm thinking I need to wait until Reese, my oldest's daughter's dog (chihuahua mix), goes back to live with the newlyweds (my son-in-law is still in the training program with CSX Railroad and they are living in hotels at the moment).

But, then again, though nobody can ever replace Butler, I still have plenty of love to go around -- and it pretty much goes without saying that some homeless dog is going to hit the jackpot before long.