What I learned on Saturday Night

We attended a beautiful wedding on Saturday night. The time was 7 PM -- so, of course, there are rules about what one should wear (it was not black tie). As a person who doesn't particularly like to "dress up" -- and who owns very few things that would be considered even slightly dressy -- it can be an issue to figure out what to wear and when to wear it. Of course, every time I've ever fretted about it, it's been useless -- at this wedding -- as most others I've attended -- there was no clear consensus about what should have been worn. A few women wore sparkly ensembles, some wore the little black dress, most had on what you might wear to a church service. I could only roll my eyes -- at myself -- for even taking time to worry about it. I could have used that time to agonize over something completely different.

Like the wreck my son was involved in, in Atlanta, a week or so ago. He walked away and so did the other people. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. And, thanks again to God, we happened to be in Atlanta at the time.

Or my big dog who somehow, freakishly, broke his "shoulder" -- an injury that usually isn't seen unless the animal has been hit by a car (he was not) or because of something even more sinister -- a tumor. Happily, there is no tumor so he is just a freak. Still, he is not completely out of the woods -- the nerve which operates the (front) leg, was not severed but it may not work again. He has some movement in that leg -- and he is getting around just fine on three legs -- but, if he can't eventually put that foot down and use it, it may well mean amputation. Time will tell. But he is alive and, otherwise, well.

Back to the wedding -- after the nuptials, we headed off to the reception which was being held downtown. We ate, we talked, we watched the newlyweds dance. But, not long into the festivities, a man collapsed -- and turned completely blue. As you can imagine, everything came to a grinding halt.  The singer in the band began calling for a "doctor in the house."

Well, it's his training, I suppose, that makes him just act but Mark (we were only a few yards away because we'd chosen to go to the food table on the left) sprang into action and reached the man first. Another doctor -- a cardiologist -- followed, along with a couple of nurses. So, a man who was not breathing, had a cardiologist and an anesthesiologist working on him immediately.

I've never seen CPR done in person. It is a most violent act. The protocols for CPR no longer include "mouth to mouth" resuscitation but, after the man did not begin breathing, Mark did it, anyway. Now, I'm not going to give all credit to my husband -- it may well have been that the combination of activities around this man contributed to his rescue -- but, once Mark did that, he started breathing again.

Of course, the speculation going around was that this man had had a massive heart attack -- he had not -- he probably wouldn't have come back from that, no matter what -- and his pulse was strong the whole time. The problem was that he lost his airway -- and if you lose your airway, you don't breathe. And, if you don't breathe, you die. 

When the man "came back", he had no idea what had happened. Mark told him he was going to the hospital and he asked, "why?"  He is still in the hospital today -- they are doing a myriad of tests -- he has already "passed" all of the heart ones. They may never find a cause -- though Mark believes, considering he was eating at the time, that he probably choked on a piece of food. And, by the way, if someone has already collapsed, you don't stand them up to do anything to them -- including the Heimlich. If there are medical people present, don't holler out what you think ought to be done because it's usually wrong and could do more harm than good. And it really irritates -- and might distract -- the people who do know what they are doing.

Anyway, I'm not writing this to call my husband a hero -- in his mind, he just did what every doctor knows how to do (though if you are having a respiratory episode like this, an anesthesiologist is probably the guy you want most). I'm actually writing this for another reason.

And that is this:

What possible difference does it make what you wear to a wedding?

It doesn't.

Personally, I don't think, unless I'm a part of the wedding party, that I'll ever give it more than a passing thought (such as, is what I want to wear clean?) ever again.

And that's what I learned on Saturday night.

Where did it go?

Last year, June 14 was on a Saturday and we were in full throttle. It was my eldest daughter's wedding day -- it's really hard to believe a whole year has gone by. I probably remember more about that day than Shannon does -- just as my own mother probably remembers more about my wedding day than I do. It's just the way it is -- so much is going on -- from last minute stuff that isn't quite right (we fortunately had very little of that), to appointments at the hairdressers, to trying to beat the heat however we could (like standing over the small fan that I took to the church for just that purpose.)

It was the the wedding of "our" dreams. Shannon was never a bridezilla; I was not a momzilla. We pretty much laughed our way through a year of preparations and, when the day arrived, we just got down to the business of enjoying ourselves. What I remember most about that day was that the people who were really important to us were all there -- some relatives, some friends. I had so many people say afterward that they felt as if they were just sharing a good time with good friends -- and that's what we wanted. The other thing which was really special was that we had a full commumion -- not just for the bride and groom but for everybody in attendance -- and Shannon and Greg served it. The whole day was a blessing and, at the end of it, the old cliche was absolutely true -- I had not lost a daughter, I had gained a son.

Am I ready to do it again? No. I hope a few more years go by before I'm mother of the groom. And, a few more than that before I'm mother of the bride again. But, at least, next time, I'll be ready.

Except weddings are probably like your children -- each one is different -- and whatever you think you know you might as well forget.

Isn't she lovely...

What went right/what went wrong

Well, I'm happy to say that very little went wrong:

*The pianist hit a few clunkers as she was playing -- twice, at least, maybe three times. I was a little surprised because I'd heard her play before and she'd played very nicely -- even though she did mess up during the rehearsal (but told us it was because she was concentrating more on when to start each new piece and that made sense). Shannon never seemed aware of it, though one was when she was actually walking down the aisle. In the end though, not a big deal. But will be interesting to hear Shannon's reaction when she watches the DVD of the wedding. Maybe the videographers can "fix" it somehow!!

*The second pew (on each side of the church) was reserved for the mothers. I was on one side by myself (then Mark joined me after he "gave Shannon away"). My mother and Mark's stepmother were on the pew behind me, then other family members behind them. Greg's mother was supposed to be on a pew by herself -- with family members on the pew behind her (Greg has no living grandparents). But, for some reason, the family members were seated on the second pew, instead of the third. I'm pretty sure Greg's brothers and brother-in-law walked all of those folks down so I guess they just thought they were supposed to seat them there, though I know they were told to seat family on the third row, behind Greg's mom. Anyway, not a big deal -- it just looked a bit funny with me alone and her on a full pew!

*After the wedding, the bridal party was supposed to go around the outside of the church, then back inside so that we could finish taking pictures there -- but the photographer starting taking pictures outside and, by the time all of that was finished, the floral folks had already taken down all the decorations inside. Again, not really a big deal -- since it's the people in the photos that's the most important.

Other observations:

Having a person to direct everybody was great! I would heartily recommend asking or hiring someone to do that so that the bride and/or mother of the bride doesn't have to worry about anything!!

There were a lot of gifts brought to the church -- however, there were several people who came to the wedding who did not give a gift -- which is fine because, as far as I'm concerned, it's a person choice whether they give a gift (though, personally, I would never actually attend a wedding without giving a gift). Anyway, the problem is, there are some folks who I would be very surprised if they didn't give something -- but if nothing came before the wedding or was brought to the church, do I just assume that nothing was given? Because if I do and something was, that means it was never delivered. But how to ask someone if they sent a gift without sounding like you are, well, asking for a gift (which I'm not -- I just want to make sure that anyone who did gets a thank you note)? There are several items on her registries, though, which have been purchased but not received -- so that may solve the whole thing once they come in.

Speaking of gifts again -- Shannon got a lot of them -- it's ridiculous really -- and they got a lot of cash. I hate to belabor this point -- but I'm going to anyway: when possible, gifts should come from the bride's registry, unless you know a couple very well, know exactly what they'd like and/or how they will decorate their home. Shannon got several unique items -- which she will never, ever use.

I was very touched by the people who came to the wedding -- I knew who was supposed to be there because of the RSVPs but it was still very touching to have so many turn out. I was a little ticked (but not too much) that some of the folks who Mark works with didn't come (there were some who said they were coming but didn't). I understand that sometimes things get in the way -- including family crises or already planned trips or other parties (and it was Father's Day weekend) but I was a bit miffed (though, as I said, not very much -- just enough to say it bugged me a bit). I also had a cousin (who's quite a bit older than me and who my mother is very close to) say that she and her husband were coming (before the invitations even went out) but then I got the RSVP card back and they said they couldn't attend (but didn't say why -- not that people have to but, in this case, I thought they might)-- nor did they send Shannon anything. Now, again, I'm not saying that gift-giving is necessary but it's just surprising that they didn't do a little something just to acknowledge the day (I hope I'm not sounding greedy -- it's not that at all -- it's just the lack of acknowledgment, if that makes sense). I had several cousins who I sent invitations to (who I knew would come if they could but because of distance and/or ill-health probably wouldn't be able to get here) and all but this one sent Shannon a small check and wrote her very sweet cards. Anyway, my mother hasn't heard from this cousin lately either so maybe something is going on with them -- but, more than likely, if that was the case, someone in the family would know about it.

Let's see -- the weather cooperated pretty well -- it wasn't as hot as it had been -- but they didn't have the air turned down enough (in the church) in the area where we were dressing and it got pretty uncomfortable. We took a small fan with us and took turns standing over it!

My mother behaved herself -- I actually saw very little of her during the whole thing. I was too busy talking to everybody -- I was trying to mix and mingle but then realized the best and easiest thing was to let people come to me -- and they did.

The flower girl and the ring bearer were adorable. Hannah, Greg's niece, held her little brother's (Eli, who's 15 months) hand and they walked down the aisle. He was, as we say down heah, "barefooted as a yard dog"! His mother, Leslie (Greg's sister, who was a bridesmaid) brought some friends with them and they whisked Eli out of the church as soon as he did his thang. He did cry when he saw his mother but it only got a good laugh and then he was outta' there -- if they hadn't have done that, he would have cried the entire time, I'm sure. So, word to the wise, if you're having really young kids in the ceremony, have someone standing by to get them out of there in a hurry!

The bridesmaids' dresses were really pretty. I know that Leslie (see above) is going to shorten hers to wear on a cruise this summer!

The food was superb! And it should have been, considering!

Flowers were lovely -- the caterer also did the flowers -- and Shannon literally told him what colors she wanted and let him go from there -- so we didn't know what they'd look like until we saw them at the church! I have the bridal bouquet, the flower girl's "kissing ball" and Carrie's bouquet hanging to dry -- I looked up on the internet to see what I needed to do -- so I hope it works!!

Am also working on freezing the top part of the cake -- if it tastes gross in a year's time, oh, well -- at least they'll have it!

We made a photoshow to play at the wedding -- Shannon had no idea -- I think it was the only time she really cried! If we can figure it out, we'll try to post it on Youtube or somewhere so that you can see it.

Believe it or not, I didn't shed a tear. I think I just went into the "zone" and I made it through without falling apart. I felt a bit misty-eyed when the bridesmaids began coming down the aisle but, after that, everything was okay. When Mark and I started walking down the aisle together (we had the husbands of the two mothers seat their wives), I said to him, "This is weird" -- and I think a few folks probably heard me...LOL!

We didn't have a DJ -- but Shannon made a CD and that played at the reception. She had a first dance with Greg, then danced with Mark to a song called "I Loved You First". It was the only time I saw Mark cry.

Carrie, on the other hand, did her job (maid of honor) superbly -- but was fighting tears the whole time -- and, after it was over, she was boo-hooing. Not sure if it was just from the emotions of the day or she was just glad it was over. Maybe a little of both.

Carrie caught the bouquet and Wesley caught the garter. Jeez.

And, oh yeah, Shannon was gorgeous. I know I'm her mother but she was.

MOB becomes MIL

At approximately 7 PM yesterday, I changed from the mother 0f the bride to a mother in law. I'm still amazed! And it was perfect!

Wedding Day

Well, here it is. The wedding day has arrived. Bride and groom present and accounted for. Hair done. Make-up done. Headed for the church in 45 minutes.

What I'm looking forward to the most?

Tomorrow!!!

What one MOB* has learned

I've learned a few things over the past year about weddings:

For mothers-of-the bride: It's not your wedding. It's your daughter's. Even if you are remembering your own wedding and wishing you'd done something different -- forget it. It's still not your wedding. It's hers. Be there for her. Be helpful. Give advice when asked (unless it's something really ridiculous and you just have to say something!). This goes for grandmothers-of-the-bride, too. And everybody else in the whole universe.

Start planning early! The earlier you get things "locked and loaded", the easier it will be. You can plan things in a short amount of time but the longer you have, the less stressful it will be. We had a year -- and that was perfect.

Delegate when and where you can. And have someone who can direct the action on the wedding day. If not a professional, then someone fairly bossy. Neither the bride nor the mother-of-the-bride needs to be concerned with telling everyone what to do, where to stand, where to go or how fast to walk.

If there are elderly grandparents/relatives involved, make sure there is someone to deal with them. I gave this job to my brother and his wife and told them, when they hear my mother call out "Lynn!", at any point on the day of the wedding (or even in the days before), to respond immediately. And do not seek me out for anything other than an emergency.

If folks don't know how to use Switchboard.com and Mapquest.com, then they need to find out how to get to the church/find a motel well before the day of the wedding. Once the day gets here, no one is likely to be around to give directions and answer queries. There's absolutely no excuse, if you are able to use a computer, to not be able to find where you're going or a place to stay, if you're from out-of-town.

Return the RSVP card. Bridal invitation RSVP cards always have postage on them (or should) so there's really no excuse for not popping them back in the mail. I have been guilty of this and I understand so I won't complain too much. But, even if you aren't sure whether you can come, take an educated guess -- and, if turns out you can come after all -- or can't come when you thought you could -- let the family know. However, the week before the wedding is too late -- by then, the numbers have already gone to the caterer. However, you are not likely to be turned away if you show up anyway -- unless it's a sit-down meal and they have a precise number who will be served.

Weddings are expensive. Even a medium-sized, non-whoop-de-do wedding. New parents: Start a wedding fund right now!! Shannon's wedding is being paid for from her wedding fund -- whatever she doesn't spend, she gets to keep. And, yes, it was pointed out that if she eloped, she'd end up with more money.

Don't try to emulate someone else's wedding. Some people like huge, fancy weddings, Some people like simpler ceremonies. Do what makes you the happiest. And what will make you look back on the day and smile. Always remember, though, that costly doesn't always equal better.

When you're buying gifts for the bride, buy from her registry!! When you give a gift which isn't on the bride's registry, it may be very unique -- but it says more about you than about the bride and groom (unless you know them very well). Here's a clue: if it's on her registry, she wants it! And, if she doesn't get what's listed on her registry -- and she really wants those items -- she has to swap or spend money in order to get them. So, if you have a problem with being told where to buy gifts, get over it. It's not about you.

If you do buy something from the bride's registry, make sure the store takes it off the bride's list. If you don't, then the item will not show up as "fulfilled" or "purchased" and someone else may buy the same thing. Which means more stuff to take back to the store and swap. Also, if you buy something which is on the registry but you buy it from a different store (where there is no registry), then the bride is likely to get more than one of that same item. Which means, yes, you guessed it, more stuff to take back and swap.

And one more thing about gifts: most brides will be registered at the "usual suspect" places -- like Bed, Bath & Beyond, Target and major department stores -- or perhaps a gift store, in your particular area, which might be popular with brides. Again, on the computer, it's very easy to check and see where brides are registered and takes about a minute of time. At any rate, the excuse of "I didn't know where she was registered" is hogwash, if I may be so bold.

Make sure that what's in a gift box matches what's on a gift box. I knew someone who thought she'd received a wok -- she either didn't want it or already had one, so she put it away. Later, she gave it to someone who wanted one -- but it turned out there were a set of silver candlesticks in the wok box. What I've never understood, though, is when she thanked the person for the wok, why the gift-giver didn't say, "hey, wait just a cotton pickin' minute..."

Don't sweat the small stuff. The big stuff is sweaty enough. If something goes wrong, chances are it will not be noticed by the attendees. The most important thing is the marriage, not the ceremony.

Enjoy it. For each child, it's once in a lifetime.

Well, you hope and pray it is. If not, tell them to send you an invitation and you'll show up at the appointed time. They're on their own.



*Mother of the Bride

One Week

One week to go and my eldest will be a married woman. I think, with all the wedding preparations and the to-do list, that little fact gets a bit lost. Married! I was 21 when I got married and, this August, that will be 27 years ago. Talk about time flying. But, even with all the new aches and pains that come with aging, I wouldn't go back. Now is what we have. And it's good.

The Day Approaches

In less than two weeks, I'll be a mother-in-law. We're now in the coasting period -- everything is locked down and decided. If anything goes wrong, at this point, we will just have to roll with it. Having a shower and a party on the same day (this past Saturday), really wore me out so I can't imagine what the wedding day will be like! But we will survive. I just hope it'll be awhile before we have another wedding!!

One Month

One month to go (well, really, as of yesterday). Last summer, when we started planning the wedding, it seemed so far off and, now, it's right around the corner. I'm pretty calm. So far. Ask me about that later! We've been getting a lot of response cards back -- and most of them have checked "will attend" -- which has surprised me. Figured lot of people would be on vacation or otherwise engaged. My daughter has always said she didn't care who was there as long as both families were -- well, looks like there's going to be a bigger audience than that.

Addicted

I'm addicted. And I need to stop.

Back in the dark ages (meaning when I got married), there was no such thing as "online" -- you went to the store of your choice, you made your list and anybody who wanted to buy you something had to trek down to the same store to make a purchase. Today, everything is on the computer. A bride doesn't even have to go to the store to make her choices -- she can do it all from the comfort of her home, if she so wishes.

Anyway, because the registries are now online, you can immediately see what's been purchased (you can't tell who bought something, only what). And that's what I'm addicted to. I have to look! I just have to! And, of course, so can my daughter. She called last night, very excited because someone had purchased a 10-piece set of Rachael Ray cookware!! I have to say I'd already seen it and was equally excited -- especially since the set was somewhat expensive (well, compared to other gifts).

My husband said, "You're enjoying this wedding, aren't you?"

I guess I am.

I hope I can still say that on June 14!!

Whew!

Well, I know that at least some of the local invitations were received, so that's good. We took them directly to the post office in a big box and handed them over -- didn't want to risk putting them in our mailbox or shoving them into a tiny slot. So, that's done -- I had a few others I didn't have addresses for but those are done. I think. We keep thinking of one more person we forgot. We figured we'd need about 100 invitations but got 150 because it was much cheaper to go ahead and order them at the same time. Good thing we did. I think, when all is said and done, we will have sent out about 130. I figure, for a summer wedding, maybe half of them will come. I hope only half of them will come. No, I'm kidding. Whoever comes, great. Whoever doesn't, fine. Well, like the old saying goes, it'll feel better when it stops.

It's too late ...

to turn back now...

The wedding invitations went out today. I asked my daughter...are you sure...are you really sure...

Yes, she says.

So, here we go

Six weeks and counting.