Dance

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance...never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've
always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

*Never be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
*Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

(Thanks, Jennie -- a good laugh is always a blessing!)

The Twain Shall Meet....

Last August, I reached the milestone of my 50th birthday. Though I celebrated with family and friends, it was really a day like any other. Just another number. Of course, I can't deny that I feel the effects of aging but, overall, I think it's very true that "you're as young as you feel". And, anyway, you can't stop time so you might as well embrace it.

Twenty-five years ago today, I embraced something entirely different.

Today my eldest turns 25.

There was a moment of pure terror when she was placed in my arms for the first time. A moment of wondering, what have we done? And how in the world do you get this tiny being into adulthood without messing everything up? And never mind paying for it.

I was 25 years old when Shannon was born. And, now I've had 25 years of watching her grow (literally -- she's 5'10"!) into the beautiful young woman she is today. A married woman. And, at some point, we'll be getting that call that she's going to be a mother herself. I didn't really know how to be a mother when she was born and I don't know how to be a grandmother, either, but I imagine I'll learn. And probably pretty quickly, when the time comes. After the numbness wear off a bit.

This birthday may just be another number but the memories of the past and the hope of the future are all rolled into one on this special day.

Happy Birthday, Shannon -- my firstborn -- the one we had to practice on -- and to learn from -- and are still doing so 25 years later.

I love you!

Merry Christmas, y'all!!

Humans: Wesley, Carrie and Shannon (Shannon's husband, Greg, wasn't here for the photo -- poor timing on my part)

Canines: Clayton, Neville, Daphne, Liesl and Madigan

Bring it on

I've been watching Saturday Night Live for some thirty years now -- I came in during the Eddie Murphy era and really only know the previous years to that (Belushi, etc) by seeing retrospectives and clips. SNL has waxed and waned. There have been years when everything was funny -- and years when nothing was. I remember one season was so bad, I almost stopped watching -- but I kept at it and I'm still watching today. It's the same as always -- some skits fall flat, others have me laughing out loud. Honestly, all I have to do is look at Kenan Thompson and I start giggling because I know whatever is about to come out of his mouth will have me in stitches -- even if the skit is horrible, he will be funny.

SNL has always been full of political humor -- and, for the most part -- no surprise -- it has leaned left. Right-leaning soul that I am, that hasn't stopped me from laughing -- so if it's funny -- even at the expense of someone I support -- I laugh. After all, that's what SNL is all about. I guess you could say that I'm a non-partisan laugher -- you won't see me making frowny-faces because a skit on SNL dissed one of my favorites.

So, I've really gotten a kick out of some of the responses I've heard about SNL's recent skits about President Obama. The show has done what they've always done -- taken something in the news and skewered it -- and I don't see why this president should be immune from it. Anyway, reading some of the way-too-serious accounts of what SNL got wrong is laughable in itself.

I mean, people, really, it's satire, is it not? Give it a rest. And laugh, for God's sake.

Anyway, this coming Saturday, Gerard Butler will be the host. Talk about waxing and waning -- I've pretty much waned -- or should I say -- weaned -- completely off of him -- but it ought to be interesting.

So, SNL, bring it on.

Miss Carrie, Driving

I've written about the "lasts of the last" as my youngest child finishes activities during her senior year of high school. They are not only her lasts but ours as well since she is the third and last child. But today I want to write about a first. At 17 and a half, she is driving to school, by herself, for the first time. Before I finish writing this, she should be there -- and should have called me to let me know she arrived safe and sound.

We've had a struggle getting her to drive at all. My other two could not wait. Carrie has done everything possible not to drive. But, finally, with daily volleyball practice over, she took her driving test last Friday and she passed. She cried all the way to the DMV. And, this morning, she was crying when she left the house. Fear is a powerful thing -- but also a powerful motivator. We all know that a healthy dose of it can keep us on our toes -- and being on our toes while driving is necessary at all times. We've tried to impart to all of our kids that, most of the time, you only have to look out for what you are doing; while driving, you have to be responsible not only for your actions but also for the actions of everybody else -- because people can be idiots while behind the wheel.

I'll admit I've been aggravated with her lack of driving. Sitting in the school parking lot, waiting for her for thirty minutes -- when I didn't know she had a meeting or volleyball ran late -- is quite annoying. Trying to figure out how to get her where she needs to be and my elderly mother where she needs to be at the same time has been frustrating on more than one occasion. I probably picked on her -- mostly jokingly -- too much about it -- and there were times I was genuinely upset, however, I'm the sort who believes that everything happens for a reason and, for some reason, Carrie was not meant to drive alone before now.

So, today was the day.

And, by the way, she's there.

Fiddy

So, what does 50 feel like?

The same as 49 did yesterday.

I guess it's a good thing that aging is gradual -- or I probably wouldn't be so thrilled -- not that I'm thrilled to be 50 -- however, I really don't care, if the truth be known. I truly do believe that age is a state of mind -- and, if you keep active -- especially your brain -- then that's half the battle. I hope so, anyway -- my brain may not be the brightest bulb in the pack but it's always on.

I've had several days of celebrating -- surrounded by good friends and family at a "gathering" (I don't want to call it a party) on Saturday -- nothing like Sconyer's Barbecue -- and especially nothing like having a get-together at the restaurant so there's no cleaning up. All my kids were here (except my son-in-law who I missed -- he had to work). I had a lazy day of it on Sunday (after church) and, today, has been a nice, easy-going day -- with a trip to the jewelry store, an art gallery and lunch with my hubby.

Several years ago, when Mark asked me what I wanted for my 50th birthday, I said "Scotland". I could have had that this year but I'm not much of a traveler -- though I know if I want to get to the UK, I'm going to have to, well, travel. I also decided I wanted to wait until all the kids were grown. When my next birthday rolls around, they all will be -- well, if grown means they're all over 18! I know that may sound ridiculous to people who are used to hopping on a plane and flying all over the place but, for me, it's a major thing. Maybe this is why I write so many stories which have heroines heading overseas for adventure and love.

Well, I've got love already and, like a Hobbit, I'm not too keen on adventure -- but, hey, maybe it's about time...

Happy Birthday, Denise!

When I was in sixth grade, there was a new girl in school -- her name was Denise and, over time, we became best friends (that's BFF to the younguns). I can remember the day we actually bonded -- we both had been sick so we'd been excused from recess -- we had to go sit in the lunchroom (why not the library, I'm now wondering?) and we had a long and deep discussion about the Osmond Brothers.

Yeah, it was that long ago.

From that point on, we were inseparable. We went through crushes on Alice Cooper -- we even found out his mother's phone number and talked to her. She was not amused. Then, when we were 16, we met Kiss before anyone had seen them without their make-up -- we tracked them to the top floor of the only hotel with a top floor in Macon, Georgia. And, oh, yeah, we met Jim Dandy from Black Oak Arkansas -- we were supposedly doing an article for the school newspaper but the paper never did get off the ground.

We used to come home from school and both of us would watch Match Game at our respective houses -- then we'd call each other and talk about it. If anybody has watched this 70s show on the Game Show Network, you will understand why we had to discuss it. For its time, the show was actually quite vulgar. We loved it.

Ah, those were the days!

Over the years, our relationship waxed and waned -- there were times, after I'd met my husband and after Denise moved to Indiana, where we didn't get to see each other or talk very often -- this was before the days of e-mail and Facebook. Otherwise known as the dark ages, kiddies. But, whenever we'd reconnect, we'd take up where we left off. We still do that today.

Today is Denise's 50th birthday -- she won't mind me saying that because if there's anybody who doesn't give a rat's ass and doesn't mind telling you she doesn't, it's Denise. I just finished talking to her and we had, as always, a good laugh. She'll call me on Monday, which is my 50th birthday and we'll laugh some more.

We haven't seen each other in awhile but I hope we can soon. When we do, our husbands will just sit there and look at us like we're crazy.

Because we are.

Inside, we're still those silly teenage girls, even if our bodies are giving us the finger every day.

Love ya', girlfriend! Happy Birthday!!

Celebrity Wipeout

I've been watching I'm a Celebrity...Get me out of here... I decided to watch this based solely on the participation of "Jungle Boy" Sanjaya (erstwhile American Idol contestant). The show is fairly dumb and not really very exciting -- yet, I'm watching it like I would a train wreck -- I simply cannot look away. Of course, like any reality show, I can't help but wonder, what's real and what isn't? How much of this is hamming it up for the camera? Well, either way, there are crazy pseudo-celebrities down in Costa Rica swimming with (baby) crocodiles and handling snakes -- so they've got one up on me right there.

My other love, at the moment, is a show called Wipeout. This isn't in my normal interest area either but I caught a portion of an episode last year and I was hooked. Why, I ask you, is it funny to watch people appear to have broken every bone in their body? Part of the charm of the show is host John Hensen -- funny guy. The other host -- another John (Anderson) -- does a great job as straight man, though sometimes his dry delivery cracks me up, too. My whole family (well, the three of us at home now) watch this show. We're just fascinated, I suppose, with big balls.

Anyway, maybe the next logical step is Celebrity Wipeout.

I'd watch.

What's in a name?

From The One-Minute Writer:

You've decided you want a new name--one that will reflect who you are. What is your new name?

There was a time when I probably would have changed my name in a heartbeat. I was named after an aunt -- Margaret, then given the middle name of Lynn -- which at that time was a popular thing to do (along with the name, Ann). Growing up, almost all my relatives -- except for the immediate family -- called me by both names, a very southern thing to do. I hated it back then. Hated it! Nowadays, if someone ever calls me that -- and some of my relatives still do -- I don't even grimace -- but I prefer being just "Lynn". No E. Two N's. That's who I am and I don't think any other name would fit me.

Of course, there are other names I love -- Shannon and Carrie being my favorites (along with Wesley but we're really talking girl names right now). If I'd ever had another girl, she probably would have been Rachel, maybe Laura. I chose my children's names early on -- was not one of those who had to see the child before naming. To me, they all fit their names perfectly. But, then again, I'm their mother and I chose them (with a little help from their dad).

I've never been one for nicknames, either. I gave my kids the names I wanted them to be called. I think some people call my son "Wes" but he'll always be Wesley to me. The only nicknames I actually would have used would have been "Meg" or "Maggie" or "Meggie" -- if I'd named one of the girls Margaret. Strangely enough, the name "Gretchen" comes from the name Margaret and I like that one a lot, too -- and you sure don't hear that one very often -- at least not in these parts.

I knew when it came to names I didn't want to give my kids any "out there" names but I didn't want them to have a name in the "top ten" either. I'm pretty satisfied that none of them have really easy-to-find-on-keychains names. I hope when they start naming kids (which I'm going to try like the devil to stay out of) that they'll choose names which the kids won't meet coming and coming.

By the way, I did have a problem giving up my maiden name for my married name -- I got over it as the years went by but I have reclaimed it as my "author" name.

So, I guess I'll keep my name but how about my "porn star" name -- for fun, take the name of the street you grew up on and an early pet's name:

Hello, I'm Dolly Toole.

Now, if that doesn't conjure up some images, I don't know what will...

This kind of stuff just makes me laugh out loud...

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
• A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
• Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
• Evening Massage - 6 p.m.
• Ushers will eat latecomers.
• The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which, as usual, fell upon her.
• On a church bulletin during the pastor's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Pastor Hargreaves is better.
• Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...
• Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
• Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
• This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
• We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning duringthe worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
• The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the final secretary gave a grief report.
• Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

Women Over 40

Just a little something to make the over-40s smile (and maybe some under)!

This is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS) As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

In the next year...

From Imagination Prompt:

I'm going to...

I wish I could come up with something fabulous and exciting but the one thing that looms over me this year is my next birthday. In August, I will turn 50. Age is just a number but, honestly, that's a pretty damn big number. The half century mark. How did I reach this point?!

Well, I've just about decided that anybody who does reach 50 is probably pretty fortunate. No, it's not like the olden days when reaching even 25 was a milestone but when you think about all the things which can take us out of this world, reaching 50 is actually an accomplishment. And, anyway, what choice do I have? Grow old or die young. I'll take the growing old as long as my body is working and my brain is still functioning -- but we don't really get a choice in that either, do we?

I don't feel 50. I don't think I look 50 (but I'm probably not the one to judge). I find myself speculating about somebody else's age and thinking, "he must be at least 50" and then have to remind myself that so am I. I guess 50 sits differently on everyone.

In my head, I still feel about 25 -- I'm still a rock and roll girl though the volume's been turned down a bit. I've lived long enough to know when it's necessary to be serious and when it's absolutely imperative to be silly. And that sometimes both are needed during the same situation. I don't know everything but I know a lot more than I did at 25. So, maybe in another 25 years, I'll really have some wisdom to impart.

But don't count on it. I'll probably be even sillier by then.

Strike while the iron is hot...

or not.

I don't iron clothes. Well, not very often -- not often enough that I can remember the last time I did. My mother informed me not long ago that my husband's shirts were too wrinkled and that I needed to take better care of him.

Well, I do respectfully beg her pardon. If he has a complaint about his shirts, well, I'll show him the iron and the ironing board (if I can locate them) -- or tell him how to get to the nearest dry cleaners.

I'm not saying I absolutely will not iron. Hold on, I think I am saying that. Hubby got a nice button-up shirt for Christmas -- crisp and white -- but 100% cotton. I gave it a try with the steamer (a godsend which I use frequently) and then said forget it and hung it in his closet far away from all the other shirts so he won't pick it up by mistake. See, this is a man who pays no attention to what he's wearing or how he looks. Just one of the many reasons I love him -- along with him not requiring a spotless house (never) or home cooking (seldom). The fact is though I'm a housewife, I'm not very domestic. And, I guess, after nearly 28 years of marriage, he knows what he can expect from wifey. Who's pretty much at the point now where it's best not to cross me. Especially about wrinkled shirts. Or wrinkles of any kind, for that matter.

True story:

Many years ago, when my eldest was around 3 or 4, she received, as a gift, a toy iron. The poor child pulled it out of the bag and stared at it, totally perplexed. Had no idea what it was or what it was used for. But, now, she irons for her new husband while her mom will not iron for her old one.

Ain't nobody suffering from it. Least of all, me

10 minor irritants to start the new year...

*Women -- already thin women -- who eat something and then tell you how much they'll have to exercise the next day to burn off those extra calories.

And don't invite me to lunch, either, because I don't want to watch you pick at your food.

*Folks who like to crow about their volunteerism/good deeds

Did I miss the broadcast memo?

*Someone saying to me, after I told them I was depressed: "Because of the dog?"

Yeah, and, by the way, I really don't care if I ever see you again.

*Being given a 50+ menu at a restaurant.

But not hesitating to order from it.

*People complaining about allergies/sinus problems -- then finding out they smoke.

You have now reached the no sympathy zone.

*Folks who think stay-at-home moms are always available.

Nope. Ask somebody else. If you can find them.

*People who don't have e-mail or who don't check their e-mail regularly.

Unless you're over 80 and related to me, if you don't have e-mail, you aren't likely to hear from me.

*Call-waiting or incessant checking of a hand-held whatever (while you're talking to me)

If it's not important enough to finish a conversation with me before starting one with someone else, you can save us both the trouble and e-mail me instead.

*Loud cellphone conversations in public.

I've yet to overhear anything I really needed to know. Other than so-and-so had finally made bail. But I didn't know him so I guess it really didn't matter after all. But it was fairly interesting.

*46 year old Craig Ferguson married a 26 year old woman

This just irritates me. No special reason. It just does.

Silly Stuff

After a couple of weeks worth of grief-filled posts, I decided to make a list of a few of the sillier things in life which make me smile.

*the Free Credit Report commercials -- I'll actually stop fast-forwarding to watch.

*The guy singing FA-LA-LA in a high pitched voice in some other commercial -- but I have no idea what it's for. Don't think the ad execs would like that.

*Tango going "Jersey" on an episode of GHOSTHUNTERS

*Kenan Thompson's facial expressions. The best thing on Saturday Night Live.

*Steve Urkel. Did I say that?

*The Vicar of Dibley getting married. To Harry. Who looks suspiciously like Richard Armitage.

*Carrot Top. How embarrassing is that?

*Choosing to believe Richard III didn't do it.

*And that Hugh Despenser the Younger did but maybe wasn't too bad.

*Seeing Barbra Streisand kiss President Bush

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil...

Well, I don't know about the speaking but the first two fit very well.

Spencer is nearly totally blind; Madigan is totally deaf and Darcy, well, he has a lot to say but I don't think it's too evil. I got Spencer the Christmas after the death of Princess Diana and I named him after her (she died on my birthday by the way). Madigan (for some reason the white face and deafness go hand in hand) is ten and we've had her since she was two -- she was rescued from a puppy mill (she was a breeder) -- and she is my shadow. Darcy is a child of divorce -- we inherited him from hubby's brother and have had him about a year and half now. I'll save photos of the other two pups for another day. And, we still have Reese, my daughter's dog. Not to mention a bird and a chinchilla.

My house motto is this:

If you come into my home, you will leave with dog hair.

Say it ain't so...Todd...

I've pretty much had it with politics in general -- I'm still disappointed but hoping the miracle a lot of folks expect is going to occur, though I'm still a bit mystified -- and concerned -- about just how that miracle will take shape. So, there are a lot of things to get used to but there's one thing I'm really sad about. And that is, without Gov. Palin, in the VP seat, it means we won't be seeing much of Mr. Palin. Hmmm...I've always wanted to take an Alaskan cruise...

Thunderation

I just looked up the word "thunderation" on dictionary.com expecting to find nothing but instead found this:

an exclamation of surprise or petulance.

Hmmm...and here I was thinking I'd made the word up. I've made up a few -- like angravation (a combination of "angry" and "aggravation") or nooch (what a dog does with his mouth to other parts of his body).

This was supposed to be about rain and thunder -- which we've had a lot of down here in these parts for the last couple of days -- I love it -- maybe I'm weird but I prefer rainy days to almost any other.

But I think the question now is -- have you made up any words -- words which other people now use because they've heard you use them?

Election? What election? Part Two

Election? What election?

You're welcome.